”It’s been eighteen years” she exclaimed before pausing, pursing her lips and adding softly “Isn’t it time we move on?” I’ll admit there was a time these words would have made me instantly bristle. Especially being a veteran first responder myself. I would have quickly lamented about how “they ran in when others ran out” and “mere mortal civilians couldn’t possibly know what that’s like!” The emotional cherry topping it all would be the common 9/11 rallying cry “Never forget!”
On the flip side, I get where that sentiment comes from. It’s about trying to heal the trauma. And there was a lot of trauma to heal from. The old adage “Time heals all wounds” is difficult to apply, if we collectively rip the scab off the wound each September 11th. It’s even worse for those that were there or lost loved ones. Turn on any form of media leading up to the anniversary and you’ll be confronted with the endless images of the burning towers and Pentagon. Not to mention the countless social media memorial memes. For 95% percent of us, it’s our way of signifying that we will “Never Forget!”. But for the 5% who were directly impacted, it’s a painful reminder of what they have lost. Some would rather hide away then relive it and I can’t blame them. In their own way, very different from the rest of us, they will never forget. They are not given a choice. But they should be given the opportunity to heal, if it is possible.
Maybe these conflicting viewpoints are also rooted in our conceptualization of death. Here in the United States, death isn’t something we celebrate. The emphasis here is on mourning. It’s generally considered undesirable and somewhat socially unacceptable to be mourning for extended periods of time. So we limit the timeframe. We have a viewing, a funeral and maybe a wake. We use these opportunities to swap stories about the deceased and do mourning in community. The deceased is laid to rest and then we move on. Some may never really move on but collectively, we do. And maybe the deceased comes up in conversation sometimes but we certainly don’t ever repeat the funeral or the wake.
Several years ago, I travelled to the Mexican state of Oaxaca for the Dia De Los Muertos or Day of the Dead festival. The way the Mexican people engage with death is very different from how we engage with it here in the United States. The Mexican people believe that during the Dia De Los Muertos, the spirits of the dead can return to earth. I wrongly thought I was going to the biggest Halloween party on earth. As it turned out, it was much more personal then that. They weren’t celebrating death, they were honoring the lives these souls had lived. To welcome them back, they build large shrines full of beautiful and fragrant flowers. They leave food items out for their lost family members because the spirits will be hungry when they return to earth. Each shrine had multiple photos of multiple family members adorning it. They honored and celebrated entire family trees of deceased relatives year after year after year.
It didn’t just stop at the shrines either. The graves of family members were also decorated. Piled high with flowers and covered in candles, family members would gather and sit all night long in the cemeteries. They would cook on small camping stoves and tell stories. Walking through these vigils at first made me uncomfortable; like I was disturbing something sacred and private. I don’t know much Spanish, but I know enough to be polite. When I made eye contact with these family members I would say “good evening”. They would often smile back and return the greeting. Several even stopped me and told me a little bit about who they were sitting with. They were happy to share the stories of those departed who they had loved and shared time with. In one cemetery, there was a full stage with a mariachi band and dancing. It was not a somber marking of death. It was a celebration of lives and it occurs each year.
Perhaps this is how we can come to see events marking and commemorating 9/11. Not as an unending replay of a horrible day full of death to be left behind; but as a chance to remember, honor and celebrate the lives of those we lost. Perhaps this is really what we mean by “Never Forget”. This May we held our first Tunnel to Towers run here in Prince William County, VA. Almost 200 people showed up to run and remember. That’s good for an inaugural running event in the race heavy Washington D.C. metro area. Some in attendance were family of our fallen local first responders. Their families told me about their lost loved ones. What they talked about was who these heroes were and how they lived. They also thanked us for putting on an event that allowed them to continue to honor and celebrate those they had lost. This is why all our race awards were intentionally named after our fallen local heroes. All along our course were yard signs depicting the faces and names of first responders lost on 9/11. Each face and name has a story attached to it. We owe it to them to honor them by knowing their names, their stories. They should never be reduced to numbers but so often they are. They deserve better then that.
If our goal was to honor them that day and not dwell on the death and destruction, I think we did that. And in a strange twist of fate, I wondered if they didn’t walk among us that day after all. We weren’t building shrines or camping in cemeteries, but we were in a sense holding vigil. We decided to add a loop into the course around the 9/11 steel located at the race venue. It just didn’t feel right to leave it out. Several of our race participants told us the course ran long. We never measured the extended length after the steel was added. Turned out one of our participants measured it on her smart watch. It was 3.43 miles. There were 343 firefighters killed in NYC on 9/11.
So, in answer to the woman who uttered those words. I agree, we should move on. Move on from the day. Move on from the images we’ve seen a thousand times before. But we should never, ever move on from honoring those who we lost. We owe it to them to know them, celebrate them and tell their stories. In doing so we allow them to live on in others and that’s really how we should “Never Forget”.
My T2T 